Ice Cream Social


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The Aristocrat  

Goodwill has quite a few clothes from yesteryear. Check out this vintage wide tie, it’s just like the kind your grandfather used to wear. Goodwill has it now because he passed away.

Goodwill also has these tiny wine glasses. They’re slightly bigger than a thimble, but it works out because I’m a lightweight. Cheers! Drink and be merry. Look rich, and forget that you’re a broke college student who has very little.

Tuition is going up? I can’t hear you over how sophisticated I look.

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The Aspiring Jockey  

With the right gear, anyone can be a jockey – you just have to wear the part. Watch The Horse Whisperer a few times, as it requires multiple viewings. My first time was spent on the edge of my seat, wondering how long it would take until the horses began whispering.

They actually don’t. Boy, did I feel silly.

Goodwill may not have those whipping stick things that the pros use, but they had some rugged hockey sticks and a few relatively new pool noodles.

derby-goodwill-outfits-1The “Oh no, how many drinks did grandma have now?”

Gender is just a construct, so get that clutch that you had your eye on. Go on, get gaudy.

In addition to carrying your currency around conveniently, you can also sneak a few coupons in there. Hello, family-sized container of Kroger brand coleslaw.

Goodwill doesn’t give AARP discounts, but that can’t stop you from complaining about your health-related problems at the checkout. You’ll look pretty swell at the track, and I’m pretty sure they probably have a Kentucky-themed bingo hall around there somewhere.

With looks like these, you can do anything. The world is your oyster.

Costco has a sale on oysters this week. Be sure to add those to the grocery list.

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The Misinformed Country Bumpkin

Okay, so you had a friend – albeit a bad friend ­– who told you that the Derby was just like an abridged NASCAR race, but with horses. That shouldn’t stop you from having a good time.

Pretend that you think horses are athletic cows. Those city folk will totally fall for it.

After this, let’s stop by Outback. Grandma has a coupon for free Bloomin’ Onion.

Also ideal for the introvert who prefers to not stand out in a crowd.