Hello, I have called you all here today for one thing and one thing only. Your brain may be going back and forth as to what the possibilities of this gathering may encompass. But, I’ll get straight to it — we’re gathered here today for a closet intervention. Dun-dun-duuuunnn.
You may love these pieces of clothing like Kanye loves Kanye and I’mma let you finish but…
…let’s reconcile the harsh truth that is staring all of us right in the face — we need to cut ties with these eight closet catastrophes faster than Bradgelina’s break up.
1. Anything from your high school glory days.
Ahhhh, high school. Can’t you just get a big ole whiff of the sweaty locker rooms now? Well, instead of reliving the past, let’s take all of those class of 2014 t-shirts and sweatpants to Goodwill. I know what you’re thinking, “Wait, what if years from now the only thing people will remember my legacy by is this atrocious t-shirt quilt I’ve been Pinterest-planning?” You’re wrong. Take it to Goodwill, too. Trade those bad boys in for a WKU tee.
2. That ratty old t-shirt.
You know that infamous shirt that has your blood, sweat and tears? To be honest, it probably has your friend’s blood, sweat and tears all over it, too. Aka any free shirt you received at MASTER Plan freshman year while “raving.”
3. Anything that’s so distressed it’s stressing others out because it might fall off your body.
As my grandfather used to say, “Your mother should really buy you some new jeans— what’s with all those holes?” This is what your peers and adults around you are also thinking. Unless you have a major moth problem, holes I can fit my arm through are not acceptable (let’s be honest, neither are moths).
I know the carrying capacity of these gems is limitless, which makes it hard to unleash them from your grip. But, take that Walkman, Nintendo, floppy disk and whatever else you’re hoarding in those pockets, give them back to the 1990s and don’t look back.
5. Those shorts that are little too short.
Are you a basketball player from the 1970s or a modern day “frat star?” The world may never know by the length of those Chubbies you’re sporting. If you do insist on letting your thighs shine, at least do us all a favor and tan those bad boys — the ghost of shorts past doesn’t look good on anyone.
6. Shoes that give you blisters
Everyone is a guilty offender of this one. Let’s all do our feet a favor and toss those shoes right out the door. Blood stains on the back of your Sperry’s are not attractive, and we know pairing those puppies with socks are not an option. Good riddance. May your shoes never betray your feet again.
7. Your “alter-ego’s” clothes
Don’t try to be someone you aren’t. Let me call up Bruno Mars because I’ll have him tell you — you’re are amazingjust the way you are. Did you buy a funky romper in an attempt to look your actual age for a night out? Is it still sitting in your closet because you resorted to a sweater and boots, instead? That’s what I thought.
8. Anything that’s a little too snug
The freshman 15 is all too real, and that’s okay because it happens to the best of us. The best way to handle this situation is to look it straight at it and say, “My sense of style will not suffer because of you.” So toss those skinny jeans that are a little too skinny and use this as an excuse to buy new, more luxurious ones that make you look and feel like the diva you are.
But in all seriousness, one man’s outdated outfit is another man’s treasure. If you’re not going to wear it, donate it to someone who will.